The X Tea Party
by Crimson Archer
Summary: Kotori holds a tea party with all the Dragons and even Hokuto! Can any of them escape the insanity without killing each other in the process? I doubt it, but it'll be fun watching them try! Rating for... questionable injokes. glares at Seishiro
1. The Madness Begins

The X Tea Party

(Also Featuring Tokyo Babylon's Hokuto. Why? Because I can. pleasant smile)

Author's Note: Ah, X. Everyone's favorite angsty manga, right? Of course! However, I just couldn't leave well enough alone. Warnings of insane OOC, random raising of the dead, and general irreverence. Don't hate me for de-sanctifying your CLAMP or whatever. It's my mission in life, you see.

By the way, my writing style is weird. I talk to the characters and they talk to me; thus the narrator becomes a character. Deal. And spellings are mostly off of the Viz translation of X. Yay, English! can't read Japanese! Also includes a couple FF7 in-jokes which you don't have to get. Yay.

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PART 1

The Suggestion Of A Tea Party Sounds Nifty

'Twas a lovely day in Tokyo, as it so often is when stories start. You know, blooming cherry blossoms (rife with symbolism!), Tokyo Tower in the distance (more symbolism rife-ness!), looming apocalypse... quite lovely. Well, lovely, that is, except for the whole dead-folks'-picnic.

"Wow, you look like Kamui meets Card Captor Sakura," Kotori commented, glancing at Hokuto. Hokuto blinked.

"Gee, thanks, I think," Hokuto replied, reaching for a rice ball from the picnic basket. "Personally, I look at you and I think Aeris Gainsborough. Oh well." She shrugged and bit her rice ball.

"Mayhaps it's that whole helpless-wimpy-girl-getting-impaled-with-sword deal. I do that very well, you know!"

"Hey, at least you got killed by your brother! I got killed by my brother's boyfriend! How lame is that?" Hokuto pouted, and Kotori nodded sympathetically. "I mean, after I hooked them up and everything! Jeez!"

"Well, if you go with the whole 'Kamui Loves Fuma' theory, and Fuma is Kamui, then technically speaking, my brother _is_ my brother's boyfriend," Kotori reasoned.

Hokuto raised an eyebrow. "That's creepy!" she squealed.

"Hey, blame CLAMP!"

But meanwhile, a certain someone was less than pleased with the presence of two dead people picnicking in the park...

"Hello, offices of Subaru Sumeragi, Onmyoji Extra-Ordinaire, how can I help you?" Subaru drawled tonelessly into the phone. Though he considered himself too angsty for the cutesy position of onmyoji-for-hire, he did need to earn money somehow.

"Oh. Hi. You're like, an exorcist, right?" stammered the caller. "Like, you know, with the dead people and stuff?"

"...I guess you could call it that..." Subaru replied warily. "Listen, I–" He was cut off by the caller's next train of idiocy.

" 'Cause, like, _I see dead people. They're everywhere. They don't know they're–_"

"Oh, _please._ Do you have any idea how many prank calls I get quoting that movie? Now hang up or I'll call Seishiro and he'll make you melt and go crazy. In that order."

"No, seriously, dude! There are these two dead chicks just sitting there, having a picnic in the park! They're creepin' me out!"

Subaru sighed again and pulled out a notebook. "What _kind_ of dead chicks? I need _details_."

"Ummm... Unrealistically pretty dead chicks?"

Subaru rolled his eyes. "Well, duh. This is CLAMP. Even the _guys_ are unrealistically pretty. Now give me some REAL details."

"Well. . ." the caller paused for a minute, as if deep in thought. "One of them's blonde, and kind of frail looking. Have you ever played Final Fantasy VII?"

". . .yes. . ." Subaru replied, unsure what this had to do with anything.

"Well, she sort of reminds me of Aeris Gainsborough. And the other one. . . she looks like Kamui Shirou cosplaying as Card Captor Sakura."

As he scribbled this vital information in his notebook, Subaru tried to picture the two said spirits. The first one didn't sound too hard, but he had a lot of trouble picturing Kamui in a puffy pink dress. He was pretty sure Fuma wouldn't, but that was probably because Fuma spent his off-time in very strange ways. . .

"All righties. . . ."

Thus, Subaru set off to find the spirits to send them off to a happy place or some such fluffy nonsense. Oh goodie and joy! How we do love the fluffy nonsense!

Subaru entered the park, scanning the area for anything suspicious. Of course, because it was X and Subaru was involved, there were cherry blossoms _everywhere._ In fact, Subaru had to stop several times to dislodge pastel pink petals from his throat. But that was all right; he was on a mission. And if he got paid enough, he might just be able to afford a proper funeral for his rubber ducky. Thinking of poor, drowned Mr. Squeaky-kins, Subaru was forced once more to reflect on how horrible his life was, how everyone he loved died, and how damn expensive rubber duckies were in Tokyo.

It wasn't long before Subaru heard voices that sounded like they were being issued from undead lips. Wow, that sounded kinda poetic! Cool!

"Hey, Miss Author Lady? Could you get on with it?"

Shut up, Subaru. No one asked you.

"But– but–"

Yes, all the fangirls know that Seishiro likes your butt, Subaru. Now GET ON WITH IT.

"...You just love those fangirl knocks, don't you?"

Yes, they're quite fun. Now GO, or ELSE.

"Or else what?"

I'll dress you up as Kamui and feed you to the Fuma. Then I'll throw you and Kamui in a room together and let the fangirls do nasty things with you. And then I'll throw Seishiro in. . . .

"EEEP! Okay then! Jeez!"

I knew you'd see it my way. Anyway, Subaru heard those obviously ghostly voices coming from, where else, under the biggest cherry tree in the park. The giggles were clear to Subaru's trained ear, but soon he heard, even more clearly, the most nefarious plot he'd ever heard in all his days as a Dragon of Heaven and a Dragon of Earth and an onmoyoji and all those other zillions of things that Subaru is.

"_Let's have a tea party!_"

"GASP!" Subaru cried. "I must stop them before they upend the balance of all that is good and decent! I don't give a damn what sick, therapy-worthy woes drove those spirits to this! _They must not have that tea party!_"

He ran as fast as he could to the table at the base of the tree, making pretty stars with his fingers because he felt that it would be pretty or something.

"They're spells, damn it! Spells!"

Yeah, right. So anyway. Subaru reached the table and saw, as promised, a girl who, despite her long blonde hair and CLAMP-ish nature, still reeked of Gainsborough-osity and a girl who did, now that he thought of it, look rather like Kamui cosplaying as Card Captor Sakura.

Of course, that wasn't the first thing he thought of when he saw the second girl. After all, it _was_ Hokuto.

"Hi, Subaru!" Hokuto greeted him, grinning widely and waving as if it were a totally normal thing for a dead Sumeragi to be sitting under a sakura tree chatting with some random Aeris lookalike. "This is my new friend Kotori. Say hi to Kotori!"

"...Okay, ummm..." Subaru pondered his situation and realized that trying to comfort the dead spirits wouldn't help, especially if this Kotori was the same Kotori Kamui always ranted about. It was hard to comfort someone who had been impaled on her brother's sword and then dismembered. "I'm gonna say this once. Please take your dead selves and go back to your nice happy dead place so I can collect my paycheck, okies?"

"No way!" Kotori cried. "We're going to have a tea party!" Subaru shuddered at the mere thought. "And everyone's gonna be invited! I'm gonna invite Kamui and all his friends and Fuma and all his friends. . . it'll be so much fun!"

"And I'm cooking!" Hokuto chimed in merrily.

"But. . . half the cast of this bloody thing is either dead or too disturbed to properly function! Including you!" Subaru protested.

"Ah, but that is where you are wrong," intoned a rather creepy voice. Subaru froze; Kotori blinked; Hokuto squealed in delight.

"I'm so glad you could make it, Sei-chan!"

Subaru raised a confused eyebrow. "But... but..."

"The author brought back aaaaaaall the dead characters!" Kotori proclaimed gleefully. "That way, we can all have a tea party TOGETHER! It'll be fun!"

"And besides," Seishiro put in, "if I weren't in this story to torment you, it would disappoint the legions of screaming fangirls!"

"You're in on this too?" Subaru cried.

"Of course! The author enjoys tormenting you!"

"That's right!" Hokuto exclaimed. "Now, ON TO THE TEA PARTY!"

Seishiro leaned over Subaru with one of those eeeeevil Sakurazukamori smiles. "And if you don't come willingly, I'll carry you," he said. "Which will activate the legions of screaming fangirls. Oh..." He poked Subaru's eye and glared. "Do keep in mind that that eye is a rental!"

Subaru sighed. "It would appear I have no choice in the matter."

No, Subaru, you don't. And thus the madness of the X tea party began...


	2. Inviting Kamuis: A Tricky Business

The X Tea Party

(Also Featuring Tokyo Babylon's Hokuto. Why? Because I can. pleasant smile)

Author's Note: Yes! People read the first chapter! Man, this is an idiotic production... but in the good way. It's not like I'm taking this seriously like some fic writers do ("OMG it is the bestest kamui/fuma fic ever and it is my lifes work and if you do not read it i will move to japan and jump off tokyo tower because i cant use a shift key and ur jst jealous becuz itz 133+R then u") Or some such nonsense. Reviews appreciated anyway, because they're fun. And no, this isn't a Kamui/Fuma fic. Or Subaru/Seishiro. Or any of those other tired X pairings (and let's face it, folks... they're ALL tired) It has zillions of instances in which I poke fun at X pairings, but other than that, it's not. (Terribly sorry about that. Wait, no, I'm not. pleasant smile)

PART II (Using Roman Numerals Because I Didn't Last Time Yet They're Cool)

Invitations and Whatnot

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

Kamui glanced at the phone, which was across the room from his nice seat atop a bookshelf (this is what happens when one becomes accustomed to standing atop telephone poles). He didn't want to leave his perch; it had a lovely view of his bleak window, his angst-ridden bed, his depressing desk... yeah. You get the point.

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

Kamui groaned. "I dislike phones," he mumbled. "In fact, I probably have traumatic memories about them somewhere... hmmmm..." He pondered this for a moment, then leapt down from the bookcase. "I might as well check the caller ID."

"Hmmm. Perhaps it's Sorata, trying to be. . . _social._" Kamui made a gagging noise at the thought of socialization. He, after all, was far too pretty for such nonsense. "Or Yuzuriha, trying to make me come over and 'pat the doggy'. . . eep. Then again, it could be that Satsuki person. . . It's always frightening when a Dragon of Earth claims that she obtained your number from the computer of a dating service you never signed up for. . ." Banishing the disturbing thoughts from his already disturbed head, Kamui approached the incessantly ringing phone and read the name on the caller ID.

Then, he proceeded to scream very loudly and hide under the covers.

"_Monou, Fuma,_" read the caller ID, which seemed to think it funny to stick a comma between first and last names even though the Japanese put it that way as it is. Kamui hyperventilated for a bit, wondering what to do.

"Oh, doom doom doom..." he whimpered, and carefully peeked out from his hidey-hole. "I'll just let the answering machine get it... Yeah, that's it..."

With a crackle, Kamui's answering machine message began to play. "Hello, you've reached the residence of Shirou Kamui-Slash-Kamui Shiro, depending on which manga you read. Please cease your associations with me immediately lest you die slowly and painfully and/or see your loved ones do the same. If you are still intent on achieving your doom, please leave a message after the bloodcurdling scream or sob of anguish. Whichever comes first."

'Twas not a scream, nor a sob, that sounded. 'Twas a beeeeeeeeeep-ish sound, followed by a voice that probably wasn't Fuma's unless he had become very, very feminine.

"Wowies, I remembered your phone number! Yay!" chimed the voice. And Kamui's eyes went very wide in terror.

"...Kotori?" Instantly alert, he used his Amazing Kamui Powers to transport the telephone to him and picked it up. "Who is this?"

"Nice answering machine message!" said another voice, definitely masculine. However, it sounded more like the Creepy Cherry Blossom Guy (whose name Kamui couldn't pronounce)... who, when last the poor, confused Dragon of Heaven had checked, was rather dead. "I was so hoping to hear a bloodcurdling scream, though... Alas. I shall have to impale Subaru or something."

"Please refrain from doing that," sighed an exasperated voice. "It's quite unpleasant."

"Subaru?" Kamui was quite confused now. Two dead people and an extremely disturbed Dragon of Earth, all on the phone with him...

"Yes, it's me. They're planning something evil, nefarious, and bad! Don't let them corrupt you, Kamui! You're the Earth's last hope!"

"...that's what they all say," Kamui replied.

"You're invited to my tea party!" Kotori cut in.

"And I'm cooking, so be there or else!" said another voice.

"Hokuto, shut up. Kamui, this tea party goes against all things good, decent, and otherwise nifty!"

"That's why he should go," Seishiro interrupted. "It'll be held at the Monou residence, Kamui, and if you don't come... ummm... we'll unearth Subaru's ducky!"

"Not Mr. Squeaky-kins!" Subaru sobbed. "You wouldn't dare defile his grave, you... you... ummm... darn, out of insults."

Seishiro cackled malevolently, until Kamui heard a loud, resounding slap.

"You, stop cackling!" Hokuto shouted. "And Kamui, please do come! I wanna see the guy I keep getting compared to! And bring all your friends! All of them!"

"Except Subaru," Seishiro cut in seriously. "He's coming with me so that the fangirls will be pleased."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? PUT ME DOWN! NOWNOWNOWNOW!"

Kamui sighed in resignation. "All right, I'll be there."

"NOOOOOOOO!" wailed Subaru, and slammed down the receiver.

MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE ELSE...

"Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadybug! Oh laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadybug! Where are you?" A certain Broad-Shouldered-CLAMP-Male was scouring the pavement for ladybugs. Bent over as he was, he was only a little taller than a normal person. Okay, that's an exaggeration. But that's okay, because this is Fuma, Bipolar King of the Universe.

"Darn ladybugs! Kotori will be sad if I don't bring her a ladybug. I can't have that." Oh no, more of that heart's desire crap? We're really in for it now. Prepare for severed heads! "I don't know what you're talking about, Miss Author Lady. I've never severed a head in my life. Blood makes me queasy." Ummmmm... no comment. pleasant smile

So anyway. Fuma continued walking, his eyes fixed on the ground, until at last he crashed into another Broad-Shouldered-CLAMP-Male.

"Oh, dear me, I'm sorry! I was looking for ladybugs, you see... Oftentimes they're on the ground. Did you know that?" Fuma glanced up at the other man, who rose an eyebrow from behind his designer sunglasses.

"You know, I'm in a forgiving mood today. How about I stab you 47 times instead of the normal amount, hmmm? Sound fair?" Fuma looked confused and alarmed, so the man sighed. "Fine, then. I won't do anything that could be construed as homoerotic, either. That's going to be very difficult for me, I hope you realize..."

Suddenly, Fuma was saved by a ringing from his pocket. The funny thing was, there was a ringing from the other guy's pocket, too.

"Hello?" they both said, after pulling out their cell phones.

"HI FUMA! I'M GONNA HAVE A TEA PARTY! YOU HAVE TO COME OR ELSE!" said the voice on the phones, which belonged to Kotori.

"Yay, tea party!" cried Fuma. "Will there be those cute little croissant things? Mmmm... croissants."

"How many times do I have to tell you people? It's KAMUI. Not FUMA. Okay? Fuma doesn't dress nearly as well as I do."

"...Whatever! Yes, many croissants. And we already called Kamui, silly! You're too tall to be Kamui, Fuma!"

"Will there be cinnamon buns and marzipan?" asked Fuma.

"Didn't I kill you?" asked Evil Fuma, as he shall henceforth be known.

"Much tasty food," sighed a different female voice. "And yes, you did kill her, and dismembered her, if I remember correctly. However, you killed him too, and he killed me. We're both here!"

"Resurrections are almost as fun as marzipan," Fuma decided, "but not quite."

"He didn't kill me, Subaru did!" protested Seishiro over the cell phones. "Though I suppose he convinced me to let Subaru kill me..."

"ENOUGH!" barked Subaru. "Everyone, SHUT UP! THAT IS AN ORDER!"

"You can't give me orders; I'm your sister!" scolded Hokuto.

"You can't give me orders; I'm your boss!" Evil Fuma growled.

"You can't give me orders; it's _my_ tea party!" whined Kotori.

"You can't give me orders; I don't even know who you are!" whimpered Fuma.

"You can't give me orders; I've yet to see a fic where _you're _dom!" At Seishiro's protest, there was a loud CRASH as Subaru smacked the Sakurazukamori over the head with a fairly large frying pan. "Well, I suppose there are those weird Subaru/Kamui fics, but..."

"AAAAAAH! VIRGIN EARS! VIRGIN EARS!" Fuma proceeded to run around in frantic circles. Evil Fuma simply scowled at the thought of two primary victims being happy together.

"Didn't I just tell you all to _shut up?_" Subaru asked pointedly. "The point is, Fuma/Kamui/Whatever, that if you and all your friends/minions do not come to this tea party, I will be very upset. And bad things happen when I get upset."

"If you make Subaru upset, Seishiro will defend his love with the Pretty Pink Petals Of Death!" proclaimed Hokuto.

"Hokuto. Shut up."

"I'll come for the croissants, Kotori!" Fuma cried.

"I'll come to torture– I mean, ummm... talk to the guests. And all my... um, friends... will be there! Except Nataku. He's..."

"Baking cookies as we speak!" Hokuto said.

"...Right then. Tea party."

And thus were the guests invited to the madness of the X Tea Party.


End file.
